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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271991">just say and i will go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/princemin/pseuds/kunclipse'>kunclipse (princemin)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Falling Out of Love, Friendship, Heartbreak, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:41:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,747</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/princemin/pseuds/kunclipse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The night that Donghyuck had fallen in love with him, Jaemin had had his head thrown back in silent laughter, his smile as wide and full of freedom as the near-empty highway in front of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>just say and i will go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is inspired by the aching feeling I got while listening to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBhQuvtV9FE">Poke by Daughter.</a> You should definitely listen to it before/during reading if you want to feel the entire mood of the story. </p>
<p>I wrote this in a few hours, broke my own heart, cried a little and it's also unbetaed! I hope you feel some of the pain I poured in it and if you end up making it to the end, leave a little kudos and comment and I'll come to give you a warm hug &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The night that Donghyuck had fallen in love with him, Jaemin had had his head thrown back in silent laughter, his smile as wide and full of freedom as the near-empty highway in front of them. It was a road trip that they’d decided to do with their little friend group during the summer before college, visiting some of their hometowns and getting to know each other’s childhood memories. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin had only recently found his way into their circle, Renjun having met him during his summer art classes. Donghyuck quickly became close with him because they both loved dancing and soon he joined the same classes that Donghyuck attended.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That specific night of the road trip, Donghyuck remembered that Renjun had been driving, Chenle next to him having stolen the spot as a shotgun. There was a song playing on the radio and from the backseat with Donghyuck, Jaemin had leaned over the central control and turned up the volume. “I love this song!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck had laughed at him when Jaemin had raised his hands in the air since they’d decided to remove the hood of the car after it rained so they could smell the fresh air. Jaemin had closed his eyes and thrown his head back, laughing as well. Donghyuck just stared at him as the streetlamps washed over his face and bathed him in a gentle light one after another. Back then, he’d thought that it was Jaemin’s halo flickering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the song hit its peak and the melody spread across Donghyuck’s chest, making him ache with the want to reach out and touch, Jaemin opened one of his eyes and gazed at him curiously. Then, like it was as easy as that, Jaemin let his hands fall back down and took Donghyuck’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, Donghyuck had let his heart slip out between his ribs and sneak into Jaemin’s arms. It hadn’t been a choice, but it wasn’t unwelcome either. Donghyuck had seen the way Jaemin’s eyes softened at the corners when he looked at him and trusted that his heart was in good hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck stood by the open doorway and suppressed a shudder as the chill in the air pressed against him from the open front of his jacket. He took in a strong breath and the sound of it was drowned by the wind picking up and twirling up the leaves scattered around the parking lot in front of the apartment complex he was never again in his life planning to step inside of. He cleared his throat even though he didn’t need to. “So this is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is it.” Jaemin looked tired. He’d been sleeping on the couch for the past week, refusing to listen to anything Donghyuck said about not minding sharing the bed. His pink hair was fading into blond but he hadn’t let Donghyuck dye it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feeling like he was going to grumble to the ground and shatter into dust that would be picked up by the next strong blow of the wind, Donghyuck held onto the strap of his backpack so tightly that his knuckles turned white. His voice was strained when he spoke. “I’ll need you to say it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin sighed. His eyes were shining with guilt. “Go, Hyuck. I don’t want to be with you. Not like that, not anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His lips trembled, but Donghyuck did his best to pull them up into a smile anyway. He ignored the stubborn tear that managed to escape from the corner of his eye. “I hope he makes you happier than I did.” The words burned, but it didn’t make them any less true.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nodding quickly, as if to shake himself more than anything else, Jaemin fumbled with the sleeves of his shirt. They were too long and the collar was low enough to show his collarbones in a way that tied Donghyuck’s stomach up into a knot big enough to be labelled as ‘Longing’. “I hope that you’ll learn to let me go.” Jaemin paused for a moment, one long enough for Donghyuck to remember that he had bought that shirt two years ago. Jaemin let out a frustrated sound before he sniffled. “I’m really sorry, you know? It’s not like I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck didn’t need to hear it all over again. He didn’t know how much more weight his chest could take on itself before all the hurt would break his sternum open and turn his lungs into a pitless hole that could never be filled. It didn’t help that there was no one he could blame. “I know, Jaemin,” he said, holding back from gritting the words through his teeth. “We can’t help how we feel. I’m glad you’ve been honest with me. Maybe I’ll-,” he took in a sharp inhale when all the tears he had been holding back started freely running down his cheeks. He pressed on even when his voice cracked with every other word, “Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll look at me the way he looks at you.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe it will be enough.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin shook his head, but there was a weak smile on his face. “No, not the way he looks at me. The way </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> deserve to be looked at.” The smile twisted into a frown and Jaemin looked down, kicking at the ground. “The way I haven’t been able to look at you for a long time, no matter how hard I wished I could.” He sniffled again before he looked at Donghyuck with urgency in his eyes. “Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you like you’re the biggest source of light in any single room, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck’s chuckle sounded more like a whimper, but it was the best he could do at the moment. God, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember the time it didn’t hurt like this. When every friendly word from Jaemin hadn’t felt like twin knives twisting his heart from both sides. “Okay, okay, stop fawning over me, you’re making it worse.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The way Jaemin’s expression twisted with guilt wasn’t satisfying at all. It hurt just as much as any other look the boy he was still in love with could’ve had on his face. “I’m sorry-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stepping forward and grabbing onto his shoulders, Donghyuck let himself be selfish and pulled Jaemin into one last hug. “Stop saying that,” he whispered, knowing his voice wouldn’t carry if he tried to speak like this. “You deserve to be happy. We both deserve to be happy. It sucks - it fucking sucks - that we can’t do that when we’re together, not anymore.” He paused to swallow down a sob before he continued. “I still love you, okay? And not just as my first love and my first heartbreak, but as someone who’s been one of the most important parts of my life for the past four years.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin sobbed quietly by his ear, his chin hooked over Donghyuck’s shoulder so tightly that it felt like it was going to bruise. “I love you too,” he said, unknowingly slicing Donghyuck open from his navel to his throat. “You’re still one of my closest friends, no matter what. I don’t even know where I would be without you. God, it’s probably so selfish of me but I’m so glad you don’t hate me.” He squeezed Donghyuck tightly around his waist and Donghyuck’s breath hitched. “You’ll- you’ll call me, right? When- whenever you’re ready to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For someone who hated crying, Donghyuck had been doing it way too often and way too much lately. He was so, so tired of it. Yet, he couldn’t stop it, not now. “Of course I don’t hate you, you’ve done nothing wrong. And I’ll call you. It might take a while. A long while. But I promise I’ll call.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin squirmed out of the hug and wiped at his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Donghyuck didn’t find the strength to scrunch his nose up in disgust. Four years and he hadn’t managed to convince Jaemin to use tissues instead of being gross every time he cried. Maybe that was one of the mistakes he had made. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Stop it. It’s not your fault, you know that. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If only he could make himself believe it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pinky promise?” Jaemin mumbled before holding up his hand, pinky held out and ready to wrap around his. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck rolled his eyes which only managed to make more tears run down his cheeks. He ignored them as he brought his hand up and linked their pinkies. “You have the right to poke my eyeballs in if I don’t call you before I die.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin narrowed his eyes before letting go and wrapping his arms around himself. Donghyuck bit on the side of his cheek and held back the urge to wrap him in his arms once more to comfort him. It wasn’t something that he was allowed to do anymore and it wouldn’t have been good for either of them. “How will I know you got there safe?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Averting his gaze to the ground, Donghyuck adjusted the strap of his backpack. Jaemin would send the rest of his stuff after him within the next week. It was easier that way. “Chenle will text you when we get there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And he’ll drive? You shouldn’t drive when you’re… upset.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck shut his eyes tight before letting out a breath and looking at Jaemin, just once more. Before he would turn his back and not look back, no matter how much he would want to. One day his heart would come back to him, piece by piece. He would learn to put it back together without slicing the rest of himself open with the shattered edges. “Chenle’s driving,” he said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took a step back. Then another. The wind picked up and they both shuddered. Donghyuck held onto the knives buried in his heart and twisted them himself when he spoke, his voice steady, “Goodbye, Nana.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he turned around and started walking away, Jaemin’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Bye, Hyuckie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle didn’t look at him when he opened the passenger door and sat down, feeling like his bones were made of glass thin enough to crack by a tender touch. Donghyuck was relieved when the other stayed silent while turning on the car and beginning to drive. When Chenle offered him his hand over the stick-shift, Donghyuck took it. It was enough to hold him together, for now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://twitter.com/kunclipse">twitter</a>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/kunclipse">cc</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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